Growing up my dad would play this "game"...."I could've been ______" and then he would fill in the blank with something like.....a racecar driver, or.....a baseball player, or.....a rockstar. I would laugh, roll my teenage eyes and say, "whatever dad," and go back to watching Beverly Hills 90210 as he retreated into his bedroom for the night. I wonder if he took those thoughts with him. If he sat on his bed and stared out the window and wondered what he could've been....if he had taken a different road. Does everyone do that or is it just a certain "type". I do that, sometimes a little too much....
I could've been....an artist that went to art school and lived in New York, in a closet sized apartment for $1000 a month and went to weird, I mean creative art openings and spent all day in my studio creating art work that only made sense to me and wore only black and glasses I didn't really need and....well you get the point.
Maybe it's just an escape, this wondering. An escape from taking care of so many other people and living, well, a rather mundane life in suburbia of driving to school, to soccer, to play rehearsal, to the grocery store, back to soccer....
I love my kids. I'm sure my dad loved us (still does hopefully). But sometimes I wonder about well....me and what I "Could've been."
Yesterday I was having one of these moments in the shower, (why is it always in the shower?), anyways I was in the shower but really I was in New York with my useless glasses on in my studio ALL DAY painting huge canvases (that only I understand) and then the "real" me slapped myself or maybe the boys started screaming (at each other) down the hall and I remembered what day it was.....my friend Heather's, who died 2 yrs ago at 37, birthday. And I wondered what she could've been. And then I thought about my mom's best friend Katie, who died 5 years ago at 54, and I wondered what she could've been. And then there's my sister-in-law, Stefanie, who died almost a year ago at 43 and left 3 little kids behind, and I wondered what she could've been. And you know what, I bet what they would've wanted to be was....alive. Alive and with the ones they love.
So today, I won't wonder what I could've been.....I'll be happy.....so happy.....to be who I am: Alive...with the ones I love!
xoxo
p.s. Happy Birthday Cliffy.....I love you.
6 comments:
Oh, H. I love you, so. Thank you. I love that you are you.
Once again, I'm totally there with you. I'm working through a lot of the same things right now. Not only with myself but with my mom....what could she have been? Was she really happy with where she was? What did she wish she could have done differently? I see so much of my mom in myself which makes it even more complicated to try to figure out or maybe just even find a way to be ok with who I am...does that make any sense?
anyway, you're not alone Harm.
I think what you are is pretty wonderful.
Indeed. Alive. Beautiful Harmony.
Oh, Harmony, I love this. Perspective. It makes things a little clearer. You're an amazing artist. I read once, 'you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.' That comforts me, sometimes.
Very well said Harm. My only thing is-stop thinking of what you COULD have been but thinking of what you already are (great mom, wife,daughter, sister, friend, teacher, etc!) and what you can still become (because you are alive and have so many people that love you!!) Change the sentance to "I will be ___________" and fill in the blank! Put a positive spin on the "game" and keep it alive for your kids! It wouldn't hurt ask your dad as well!
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