Me with Big Brother
Me with Little Brother
This blogger asked for some posts about attachment and I thought I would join in (click on February on the right side of her blog to read more posts about attachment. I tried to link to her post but I suck at linking...grrrr).
I am including all 3 of my kiddos because attachment isn't just an adoption topic, it really is relevant to biological children too. Let's face it, we all have different "chemistry" with different people and that includes our children; so it's totally normal that we feel differently with each child at different times; but it doesn't always feel normal, actually it often feels shameful and lonely and confusing, so I think it is SO great that we are talking about it!!! But it's hard to talk about because you don't want people, or your children, to think you love any of them more or better or blah, blah, blah. So here's the ending of the story....I love them all the same amount with all my heart....different? Yes, but totally and completely the same intensity. Let's face it, on any given day one of them is my favorite....that's the truth.....and the beauty is that it changes daily so they all get a turn ;)
I think looking back at photos is so therapeutic and telling of what is going on. I can recognize my emotions in those pictures above and you probably can too. Big Brother and I had an instant bond....our hearts just spoke to each other from day one and you can see it in the way we pull into each other in that top picture. Little brother and I took a lot longer and you can sure see it in my face and in our distance in that second picture...ouch...it hurts to look at, but it is what it is. I was struggling with managing 2 kids, with my expectations of myself and with judgements of my feelings. I felt so ashamed for not having that instant bond with him and you can see it all over my face. So, I "faked it until I made it," that is a phrase you hear a lot in the adoption community, but it really can be applied to all sorts of situations, this one included. If I could figure out how to move my photos around I would put one of Little Brother and I now, because we are fiercely bonded and he is my cuddle bug and cracks me up daily and that is why looking at that picture above hurts so much. I want to tell the me in that picture that it will be okay and I want to tell that baby boy in that picture how much he is loved and that our slow beginning was all about me and nothing about him. That some things feel even more amazing when they take a little longer and that someday soon we will wrap around each other and never let go......
....to be continued (must go wipe my eyes).....
Attachment part 2: Baby Girl....coming soon....
5 comments:
Oh I love this. So much. I can so relate. I haven't had two, so I don't know the ins/outs of multiple children/multiple experiences, but I do know that Elia and I NOW- we are a UNIT. Then? It was hard, hard, hard. But now? Incredible. Just today I was getting her out of her carseat and I was standing in the back of the car over her. She put her hands on either side of my my cheeks and said, mommy look me in the eyes. I did. And then she said, "I love you SO much." Be still my heart. Be still.
Harmony, that is the sweetest post. It is obvious how much you are attached to both of them now regardless of how it started out. I sometimes look back at myself as I struggled with something and feel a little sorry for that confused woman. Actually, I feel that way a lot. Can't wait for Part 2.
xo
So sweet Harmony.
Love this. i love how you are talking about attachment for all of the relationships with your children. I have been so overly focused (anxious) about my attachment with our daughter that I hadn't even considered writing about the attachment with the other ones.
Oh wow, I see what you mean with those photos! Scary how pictures show us bits of ourselves that it would be easier to forget, huh? (Or for me, sometimes it's the fact that THERE ARE NO PHOTOS... yeah, i wonder what THAT was all about? Oh, yeah, I was trying to pretend it wasn't happening. Right. Good coping strategy!)
but it's amazing that relationships that start hard can become so wonderful. How two (or three or four) individuals really do turn into a unit. Hard, incredible, wonderful.
Thanks so much for linking!
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