The last 2 weeks have been a little tough. We've been thinking a lot about what this adoption journey means to us and what direction we want to go. Without getting into too much I just want to say "Thank You" for everyone's support and thoughts. Our hearts continue to be broken, mend and re-opened. I think they get bigger every time they heal. We've asked ourselves some tough questions and we have come to a conclusion. I have to say that by choosing a path we also grieve the path we aren't taking (for now, who knows about the future), but we are also learning to embrace the path we are on.
My heart breaks for the Special Needs children on the Reece's Rainbow website. They are in such huge need of forever families. They will go into mental institutions at age 5 if not adopted and so many of them would thrive here. I really hope people will consider adopting these sweet children. We would love to, but the travel requirements are too difficult on our family right now, but we are staying open for the future when our children are older.
A friend sent me an E-mail today after I E-mailed her asking for some insight. One of the things she said struck me...."Did you ever wonder why it's been so "easy" for you to give up the ethiopia adoption dream and go down another path?" I love how honest this question is and when I read it I heard a voice in my head say, "I'm scared." Huh, what, who said that? Oh great, now I'm hearing voices, awesome :) Well, I thought more about that and realized, yes, I am. Scared of flying across the ocean away from my boys (I hate to fly), scared of not feeling "attached" to our referral picture immediately, scared that she won't feel like "my" daughter, scared that spending all that $$ to adopt when her country is so poor is not the right thing to do, scared of how the adoption will affect our family, scared of what other people will say and think when we are in public, scared that I won't know what to say back, scared that love isn't enough when you are a transracial family....and a few more things, but I think you get the point.
It feels good to be honest...with myself (oh, and all the people reading, yikes). Adoption has always been a dream of mine and I'm so excited to be on this journey no matter how heart wrenching it can be because in the end my heart will grow larger than I ever dreamed possible.
6 comments:
You are truly inspiring. Every time I check in on your journey I am touched by your honesty, strength, and most certainly, your heart. Your children (present and future) are such lucky, lucky people to be raised by parents with such qualities.
Harmony,
I really think you, if you are comfortable with the idea, should submit this post to Charlotte at
http://ethiopianadoptionstories.blogspot.com/
Go check it out by the link and consider sending it to her. You've so well summed up the scary parts and hit on a few huge issues/concerns about this journey.
Hey Harm,
I am so there with you. This process can be scary. I am so glad we have each other to lean on. Thanks for posting the things that many of us think and feel.
If you weren't scared, I'd be worried about being in denial (like I was).
You will figure it out, with hubby and God. The right little one will join you.
I would have to say on this journey we are on, there are so many emotions that we have experienced...hope, frustration, confusion, joy...but scared is certainly high up there on the list. You are not alone!
Oh Harmony, my heart is with you. It is scary! I remember being so scared I felt paralyzed during our first adoption. Very real, very normal feelings. You're brave to be so honest.
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